Thursday, July 10, 2008

Heavy Heavy Heavy Like a Hippo

Thanks for the theme song Wonder Pets.

Yup. That's you me, on so many levels. Heavy thoughts, heavy heart, heck even my body, much to my dismay, is heavy.

I feel like there is a ton of bricks on my chest. I never thought heartbreak had a many physical ailments, but I sure was wrong. I can hardly breath sometimes from the weight pushing down on me.

Like this awesome chick, who yes I am linking to again because, well she's seriously that awesome, failure is not something I deal well with. And boy do I feel like I've failed. Failed myself, my husband , my family and my sweet babies. It seems like everyone else just gets on with life. No mention of the babies ever. So there's yet another failure, or so it feels, my inability to just move on. When we lost baby Leah I was determined to try again. What's the old saying? "Try and try again"? I was sure that things would be smooth sailing this time around. I was not going to be denied or admit failure. I WOULD have another baby here in my arms. And then bam. Nope sorry. Denied. Now I'm backed in to a corner. Admit failure and try to move on and accept my family as it is. Or try again. For once in my life failure is looking like the best option.

Regardless of how I failed them those babies are here with me in everything I do. They are in the subtle breeze carrying the bubbles the little one blows up to the sky, or in the suns rays that warm my skin while I watch my trio of little men playing in the yard.

I just wish I could wiggle out from this weight that's always on me. To laugh with out feeling hollow would be heavenly. To accomplish something with out spending hours working myself up for it, well that would be productive. I'm slacking on all fronts and I know I need to step up.
I'll get there.



Heather said...

Awww, Amy. I promise that I haven't forgotten...even if I don't mention your precious babies a lot. You are in the forefront of my mind every day. Love you girl!

Crystal said...

Your precious babies will never be forgotten to me, you are anything but a failure. I just wish I was closer!