We spend most of our lives looking for answers. It starts early on. We're groomed from an early age to seek out anwers. We're quized from the get go. Heck we spent ages tonight asking the little one all the things he knows the answers to. There's not whole a lot funnier than a two year old trying to snort like a pig. He had us all in stitches!
I can't tell you how many questions I get lately. Seems like the big one has a new question every second. "How does my throat know to swallow?" "Why do my eyes close?" and what seems to be his most favorite question "Mommy, are you still sad we aren't going to have a baby?"
We recieved some answers yesterday about our most recent loss. We found out that the sweet babe we loved from the second we knew about him was a boy. We also found out that sometimes when you think you want answers..... maybe you really don't. We found out our sweet boy had trisomy 22. After much reading on this today I've found out just how devestating it can be. And it scares the bejezzus outta me.
Seriously - I don't think I have what it takes to raise a disabled child. I just don't. And to know we were so close..... well. That just really makes me feel we were walking a thin line and that to try again...... we'd be totally pushing our luck. Who knows? Maybe once we meet with the specialists my tune might change. But thats a big maybe.
I will create, not destroy
11 months ago