Monday, June 30, 2008

Two and Five!!!

It's hard to believe how quickly they've grown. It seems like yesterday they were born. I'd love to say I remember every little detail, but with 3 boys in as many years it's all just kind of a blur. Sure when I look through the pictures the details all come flooding back, but to just sit here - nah. It all just flows together.

The big one thinks he's an adult now. Just the other day I asked him the go check on Little and he response was "Can you do it please? I'm to busy being an adult." That caused a few chuckles. He amazes me everyday. Smart as a whip but very sensitive to others. Always trying to help where ever he can. What a great little man he is turning into. I'm growing more and more apprehensive about him growing up and heading off to school. I worry daily that he'll be picked on or won't make friends very quickly. He's a social little guy but he does worry about who does and does not like him. Normal I know, but it breaks my heart to see him worry about such things. I wish I could keep him safe forever in the little cocoon we call home.

Now The little one. He's a breed all his own. This kid has no fear and know's no boundaries. He's an obstenate little thing and that temper flares at a drop of a hat. Independent and flirtatious he can make pretty much anyone succomb to anything his little heart desires. All he has to do is bat those big blue eyes and flash that beautiful smile of his and we are all putty in his hands.

Oh how I love my boys. I wish I could stop the clock and keep them like this forever. I know they are safe and happy. And they know they are loved and cherished more than anything more in this world.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Back to square one

Sooo..... as you can see from yesterdays post we've gone through a pretty traumatic experience. I promise - not all my posts are going to be sad and gloomy. But I figure I might as well get the whole torrid tale out while I'm on a roll.

Hub's and I spent 5 months healing, growing and learning from the loss of our sweet girl. In April we decided to try again. I didn't tell him at the time that the reason I wanted to start trying then was because I desperately wanted to be pregnant again before Leahs due date rolled around in May. I just felt like I really needed something positive to hold on to when May 10th hit - and what more positive than a new life? So we did what we did and low and behold on April 29th we got a positive pregnancy tests!! It was weird. It was hard to be excited. I really didn't want to tell anyone. I had to really psych myself into it. We talked with our Dr and she said there was absolutley no reason we shouldn't have a perfectly healthy, normal pregnancy. So after a little more working myself up we gradually began to tell people. But - I couldn't say the words. It's dawned on me that I never actually said the words I was pregnant. I either posted it on a chat or hinted around and let the other people say it. I have two close friends whom I always called right away with my other pregnancies. I couldn't even say the words to them.

Anyway! I had my first appt at 7 weeks. All was normal. All my blood work came back fine and we scheduled my U/S for 9 weeks. We got there and all was great. They were actually waiting on my because I was the last appointment for the day. And then it happened. She put the wand on my belly. And there wasn't much of anything to see. I knew it immediatley. She flipped her screen around and asked me to confirm my dates. Which I did and said "You're not seeing it either are you?" And she said "No, but we'll have to page the Dr to come down." And once again. Those fateful words...... Can I get you anything.

So here I am. Back at square one. This recent loss has brought back all the pain and heartache that started 6 months ago. It's crazy because little did I realize that there were things I had blocked out from when we lost Leah. Even though she wasn't alive when I delivered her she was still warm and comforting. The other day while I was driving I was hit full force with something I had forgotten. We had held Leah so long that she had grown cold. I had put that out of my head because it's just not natural to hold your child and not feel the warmth from their body. I wish this memory had never surfaced because now I'm haunted by it.

And so now here we are. Mourning not one but two of our babies. Trying to put things back together and figure out this new normal for us.

I thank God each day for my three little miracle men. With out them I would have fallen apart long ago. But they give me a reason to smile, a reason to live and a reason to be grateful.... for the ones I have and the ones that are no longer with me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Loss.

O.K. I'm just gonna dive right in here. Forget beating around the bush and reeling you all in with my charming personality. I'm gonna get deep right off the bat.

When I created the blog my header had included "what more could a girl ask?" for at the end of it. I just couldn't leave it there because there is so much more that I want. This is in large the reason I decided to start a blog. I needed some where to write and share. Both the good and the bad.

Almost 7 months ago we endured an indescribable loss. We lost our sweet baby girl at 17 weeks gestation. Yes - I know that this is techinically called a miscarriage. But when I think miscarriage I don't think of one holding their precious babe in the hands.

I went in for a run of the mill apppointment at 16 weeks and 3 days and the doctor coudn't find the heart beat. She reassured me that all could be fine still and there were many reasons as to why we couldn't find it. So I scheduled my utrasound for the next day. What a grueling 24 hours thats was. The waiting was unbearable. One second I would convince myself that it could all be O.K. and the next I was beating myself up to just accept that our baby was gone.

So we went to our appointment and waited anxiously. The waiting room was full of other women with swollen bellies. They all looked so happy that I couldn't bare to meet anyones gaze. I couldn't help but wonder if they could see the black cloud hanging over me. When the ultra sound tech called me back I could see the wistful look on her face. She knew why we were there. As I lay down clutching hubs hand and she placed the wand on my baby bump we knew. There was no heart beat. We could see our perfect little babe and she was just so still. Yet the tech had to go get a doctor to confirm it. But she said those fateful words. "Can I get you anything? Is there anything you need?" The words reserved for times of heartache. Times of loss.

They gave me my OB's cell phone number and told us to call her when we were ready. Shortly after we got home I made that dreaded call. My OB wanted me to head directly to Labor and Delivery. She felt it was safest to induce me since I was so far along. I wasn't ready to do this yet. I wasn't willing to give my baby up just yet so I begged off to go in the next morning.

When we arrived at the hospital the next morning and sat down to register we were asked why we were there. I explained I was there to be induced. The registars eyes gleemed brightly with excitement as she congratulated us. I didn't have the energy to correct her. We made our way up to labor and delivery and checked in. Directly across from the nursey. Could they make this any harder? They took us to my room. The same room I had delivered my now almost 2 year old only a year prior. Apparently they could make it harder.

They kept our door shut at all times. Everyone who came in whispered. Hubs said there was a special Angel magnet on the door so everyone there would know what was going on. They started all the drugs and we waited. And waited. Finally at 5:00pm our sweet Leah Grace was born. It was amazing. And startling. And heartbreaking. To think at 17 weeks your baby was so perfectly formed. The slope of her shoulder was beautiful. You could see the wrinkles of her nuckles in those perfect little hands that were the size of my pinky nail. She nestled so perfect into one hand. It was maddening to hold my baby in my hand and not the crook of my arm. My arms ached to rock her. Hubs and I took turns holding her for hours until the pastor arrived to bless her. And then we had to tell the nurse we were ready. And we handed over our beautiful sweet daughter.

I was released bright and early the next morning. As they wheeled me out of my room there was the angel magnet hubs told me about. Never in my life did I want to cling to something yet destroy it at the same to so badly.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I think there should be a parade!!

Big and Middle spent the weekend at grammys house. The little one and I went to pick them up yesterday while hubs volunteered to stay home and clean the living room. All's fine and well, the house was straightened and dinner was made when we got back home.

Fast forward to tonight. We're sitting here watching T.V. and out of no where hubs says "I don't know if I told you but I cleaned under the chair." So I'm thinking there must be a chair somewhere that I've been avoiding in my cleaning. Yes - I'll admit it. I'm not the most thorough in my cleaning habits. But I didn't think it was that bad. So I casually ask him what chair, thinking it's some obscure chair burried in the basement. He responds with "The one your sitting on." He's referring to the only chair in the living room. The room he cleaned yesterday. This is also the chair that I flip over daily to vacuum under daily since it's a dust and crumb magnet.

The same chair I had flipped over and cleaned under about an hour before we left.

His pride in his work is admirable. But I've been giggling to myself eversince.

An introduction

Well, it's my first post. So I guess I should introduce myself eh? I'm Amy. I'm a 31 year old stay at home mom to three sweet little men. The big one will be 5 this friday. Hard to believe how time has flown one by. The middle one is 3 and a half. And the little one, well he's going to be 2 this Sunday. I've been married to a super guy for almost 6 years now. Sure we've had or ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. Just do me a favor, keep that between us. I like to keep him on his toes.

This blog is really just an outlet for me, so I hope you don't expect great things from me.