Back to square one

Sooo..... as you can see from yesterdays post we've gone through a pretty traumatic experience. I promise - not all my posts are going to be sad and gloomy. But I figure I might as well get the whole torrid tale out while I'm on a roll.

Hub's and I spent 5 months healing, growing and learning from the loss of our sweet girl. In April we decided to try again. I didn't tell him at the time that the reason I wanted to start trying then was because I desperately wanted to be pregnant again before Leahs due date rolled around in May. I just felt like I really needed something positive to hold on to when May 10th hit - and what more positive than a new life? So we did what we did and low and behold on April 29th we got a positive pregnancy tests!! It was weird. It was hard to be excited. I really didn't want to tell anyone. I had to really psych myself into it. We talked with our Dr and she said there was absolutley no reason we shouldn't have a perfectly healthy, normal pregnancy. So after a little more working myself up we gradually began to tell people. But - I couldn't say the words. It's dawned on me that I never actually said the words I was pregnant. I either posted it on a chat or hinted around and let the other people say it. I have two close friends whom I always called right away with my other pregnancies. I couldn't even say the words to them.

Anyway! I had my first appt at 7 weeks. All was normal. All my blood work came back fine and we scheduled my U/S for 9 weeks. We got there and all was great. They were actually waiting on my because I was the last appointment for the day. And then it happened. She put the wand on my belly. And there wasn't much of anything to see. I knew it immediatley. She flipped her screen around and asked me to confirm my dates. Which I did and said "You're not seeing it either are you?" And she said "No, but we'll have to page the Dr to come down." And once again. Those fateful words...... Can I get you anything.

So here I am. Back at square one. This recent loss has brought back all the pain and heartache that started 6 months ago. It's crazy because little did I realize that there were things I had blocked out from when we lost Leah. Even though she wasn't alive when I delivered her she was still warm and comforting. The other day while I was driving I was hit full force with something I had forgotten. We had held Leah so long that she had grown cold. I had put that out of my head because it's just not natural to hold your child and not feel the warmth from their body. I wish this memory had never surfaced because now I'm haunted by it.

And so now here we are. Mourning not one but two of our babies. Trying to put things back together and figure out this new normal for us.

I thank God each day for my three little miracle men. With out them I would have fallen apart long ago. But they give me a reason to smile, a reason to live and a reason to be grateful.... for the ones I have and the ones that are no longer with me.