Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Loss.

O.K. I'm just gonna dive right in here. Forget beating around the bush and reeling you all in with my charming personality. I'm gonna get deep right off the bat.

When I created the blog my header had included "what more could a girl ask?" for at the end of it. I just couldn't leave it there because there is so much more that I want. This is in large the reason I decided to start a blog. I needed some where to write and share. Both the good and the bad.

Almost 7 months ago we endured an indescribable loss. We lost our sweet baby girl at 17 weeks gestation. Yes - I know that this is techinically called a miscarriage. But when I think miscarriage I don't think of one holding their precious babe in the hands.

I went in for a run of the mill apppointment at 16 weeks and 3 days and the doctor coudn't find the heart beat. She reassured me that all could be fine still and there were many reasons as to why we couldn't find it. So I scheduled my utrasound for the next day. What a grueling 24 hours thats was. The waiting was unbearable. One second I would convince myself that it could all be O.K. and the next I was beating myself up to just accept that our baby was gone.

So we went to our appointment and waited anxiously. The waiting room was full of other women with swollen bellies. They all looked so happy that I couldn't bare to meet anyones gaze. I couldn't help but wonder if they could see the black cloud hanging over me. When the ultra sound tech called me back I could see the wistful look on her face. She knew why we were there. As I lay down clutching hubs hand and she placed the wand on my baby bump we knew. There was no heart beat. We could see our perfect little babe and she was just so still. Yet the tech had to go get a doctor to confirm it. But she said those fateful words. "Can I get you anything? Is there anything you need?" The words reserved for times of heartache. Times of loss.

They gave me my OB's cell phone number and told us to call her when we were ready. Shortly after we got home I made that dreaded call. My OB wanted me to head directly to Labor and Delivery. She felt it was safest to induce me since I was so far along. I wasn't ready to do this yet. I wasn't willing to give my baby up just yet so I begged off to go in the next morning.

When we arrived at the hospital the next morning and sat down to register we were asked why we were there. I explained I was there to be induced. The registars eyes gleemed brightly with excitement as she congratulated us. I didn't have the energy to correct her. We made our way up to labor and delivery and checked in. Directly across from the nursey. Could they make this any harder? They took us to my room. The same room I had delivered my now almost 2 year old only a year prior. Apparently they could make it harder.

They kept our door shut at all times. Everyone who came in whispered. Hubs said there was a special Angel magnet on the door so everyone there would know what was going on. They started all the drugs and we waited. And waited. Finally at 5:00pm our sweet Leah Grace was born. It was amazing. And startling. And heartbreaking. To think at 17 weeks your baby was so perfectly formed. The slope of her shoulder was beautiful. You could see the wrinkles of her nuckles in those perfect little hands that were the size of my pinky nail. She nestled so perfect into one hand. It was maddening to hold my baby in my hand and not the crook of my arm. My arms ached to rock her. Hubs and I took turns holding her for hours until the pastor arrived to bless her. And then we had to tell the nurse we were ready. And we handed over our beautiful sweet daughter.

I was released bright and early the next morning. As they wheeled me out of my room there was the angel magnet hubs told me about. Never in my life did I want to cling to something yet destroy it at the same to so badly.