Decisions Decisions

Are you a good decision maker? Are you able to make a choice easily and not look back on it and question it? I used to be. I had no problem when it came to making choices. But when Leah died I made so many poor decisions that now every choice I'm faced with is a major struggle.

It was freezing here this morning. 34 degrees when we had to leave for school. Which of course left me scrambling to find the winter coats. I found the Big Ones coat from last year, which fit Motor Mouth perfect. I found Motor Mouths coat from last year, which fit the Little One Perfectly. So that left the big one freezing his tush off on a sunny, almost winter morning. Nice one mom. I doubled him up in sweatshirts and headed straight to Kohl's after school drop off.

Kohl's is having a great sale right now, by the way. 50-55% off winter Coats. There was a great selection, but quite a few had those nice faux fur collars and hood lining. Ick. So I was able to narrow it down to 2 coats fairly easily. My two selections were one that was thinner but lined with triple fleece,which is supposed to be super warm. The other was a thick 3-in-1 coat by Nike. I liked them both. I couldn't decide. At all. I walked around Kohl's for an hour trying to decide. I called my husband so he could decide for me. You know, cause he's never even seen the coats, but I didn't care because then the decision wasn't on my shoulders. I finally chose the thinner one thinking it would be warm but more comfortable.

I'm pretty sure I am making another trip to Kohl's tonight to exchange it for the other one.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, HELLO!, I need to be able to make day to day decisions. But most days even deciding what to make for dinner is overwhelming to me. It had gotten so bad for a while there that we were eating out or getting take out almost every night. I just can't seem to get past this though. I made some of the worst decisions when it mattered most. I failed Leah by not honoring as she deserved when she was born. So how am I to trust myself to make good decisions for my children who are still with me? It's been almost a year now, and instead of getting easier it's gotten harder.

Friday Foto Finish

I was combing through all my photos, looking for motormouths birth pictures, I stumbled across this one.

THIS is what it's all about. Motormouth loving on his baby brother. It's hard to believe they were ever so little!! Just look at Motormouths sweet pudgy hands and giant melon! And the Little One, so small. I miss those days. They couldn't talk back to me then.


Go visit Carrie and join in the Friday Foto Fiesta!

Up to my Eyeballs in Bodily Fluids

Ugh. I am not down with the sickness. That's all that's been in my house since Monday morning. Here's a brief description of my week.

On Monday The Big One crawls out of his bed and says "Mom, I can't open my eye very much." All it took was one look to confirm pink eye. But since we haven't had pin k eye in 5 years we had no meds. So off I go with 3 boys to the pediatrician. All for him to walk in and say "Yup-pink. I'll give you some drops." Thanks for making me spend $25 dollars for your whole 2 minutes of time Doc.

Tuesday they all miss school. Motormouth and CCP were caught rubbing their eyes so I kept them home and started drops on them as well.

Wednesday the coughing and the runny noses started. For everyone. I have never seen anything like the ooze coming out of CCP's nose. Makes me gag. Motormouth was feeling pretty bad come dinner time so rather than eat he goes to bed.

That brings us to this morning. First motormouth has a major coughing fit in the bathroom and proceeds to throw up all over the floor. Have I mentioned I don't handle vomit well? If not, I don't. It makes me want to vomit. What a horrible cycle. So we get him and the bathroom all cleaned up and get back to the morning routine. As I'm in the kitchen CCP has a major coughing fit. Can you guess where I'm going with this? Yup. He vomited all over the kitchen floor. So there's a whole nother clean up. They have both been acting fine ever since, so I'm chalking it up to coughing to hard. A girl can wish right?

Oh, and did i mention that I'm totally PMS'ing through all of this? Yeah. NOT fun. I think we're past Calgon here. I need a bottle of tequila and a nice soft bed to get past this week.

4 years

It's hard to believe that it's been four years since motormouth has been born. Some days it seems like yesterday. Some days it feels like he's a teenager with all his angst.

Four years ago I was 39 weeks pregnant. We decided to go walk around Walmart, for some reason I always had major contractions when I walked around there. Well, the little stinker must have known what was up. As Hubs took the big one out to get him in the car I was grabbing a few things and that's when it happened. I sneezed. And that sneeze set off a chain of events. I had to yell out the window to Hubs "Never mind. My water broke." Back in they came and we packed up to leave. Yes, you read that right. I was never one to actually back a hospital bag. I jumped in the shower and then off to the hospital I went.

My parents met us and swept the big one away to their house.

It was a nice smooth labor. Everything progressed as it should. About 3am I received my epidural and was finally able to sleep. At around 8am my O.B. showed up and chastised me and my nurses for having my epidural so early and that I surely slowed down my labor. About 45 minutes later I called my nurse and said things were getting unbearable. She checked me. He was right there. In your face doctor! She got there just in time for motormouth to pop out. All 9 pounds 5 ounces of him.

He was always such a good baby. Nursed well, slept pretty good and was just all around a happy little guy. And he's grown into such a wonderful little boy. I would be lost with out him. I may call him motormouth, but that little voice is like music to my ears. It is one of the sweetest songs that I've ever heard.

Happy birthday my sweet little boy. Your mommy loves you more than you ever know. These last four years with you have been the best of my life, and I look forward to many, many, many more. I love watching you learn something new. I love watching you grow. I love how you love me. And even though you are only four years old, I need you, just as much as you need me. I pray every day that you are getting what you need from me and your daddy to be a well rounded young man. I worry constantly that as the middle child you feel like you are missing something. Your brothers, both, have finagled a lot more mommy alone time than you have. But I hope you know I try my hardest to make sure you have some quality mommy time as well. You've had such a strong voice, please don't ever lose it. I'll give you my all sweet boy.

Happy birthday my little sweet potato! You are my love, my light and my life.

Foto Finish Friday!!

Caught red handed!! "No mom, I wasn't in the cake mix."

Go visit Carrie and join in the Foto Fiesta!!

Have you filled a bucket today?

Since the big one has started kindergarten he has been exposed to all kinds of new things. Some good, some bad and some annoying as all heck. But my favorite thing he's learned so far is the bucket fillers program.

The bucket fillers program teaches kids to be more mindful of the people around them and how their actions might affect them. Seems kinda like a long stretch for a kindergartner, right? I mean they live in the here and now and don't always think things through. This program is so simple though, and even my three and two year old are benefiting from it.

Basically the jest of it is this. We all carry an imaginary bucket in our hearts. When people do nice things to or for us it fills our bucket. When people say hurtful things or do things that hurt us they dip in our buckets. Basically, by making us more aware of how we are feeling it makes us more aware of how we make others feel. It's been instilled in the kids minds that making others feel good makes them feel good as well. So that a double whammy of filling! And it's such an easy concept, the kids catch on quickly.

If you're interested in learning more, visit bucket filling 101. I attended one of the adult seminars given by the author, Carol McCloud, and honestly? It was life changing. It made me more aware of how I was parenting and how I could do better.

Oh, and one last little thing..... it makes my kids behave so much better. If they are acting up or fighting, all I have to do is mention someone dipping in someone else bucket, and boom! The situation has been diffused!!