Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Decisions Decisions

Are you a good decision maker? Are you able to make a choice easily and not look back on it and question it? I used to be. I had no problem when it came to making choices. But when Leah died I made so many poor decisions that now every choice I'm faced with is a major struggle.

It was freezing here this morning. 34 degrees when we had to leave for school. Which of course left me scrambling to find the winter coats. I found the Big Ones coat from last year, which fit Motor Mouth perfect. I found Motor Mouths coat from last year, which fit the Little One Perfectly. So that left the big one freezing his tush off on a sunny, almost winter morning. Nice one mom. I doubled him up in sweatshirts and headed straight to Kohl's after school drop off.

Kohl's is having a great sale right now, by the way. 50-55% off winter Coats. There was a great selection, but quite a few had those nice faux fur collars and hood lining. Ick. So I was able to narrow it down to 2 coats fairly easily. My two selections were one that was thinner but lined with triple fleece,which is supposed to be super warm. The other was a thick 3-in-1 coat by Nike. I liked them both. I couldn't decide. At all. I walked around Kohl's for an hour trying to decide. I called my husband so he could decide for me. You know, cause he's never even seen the coats, but I didn't care because then the decision wasn't on my shoulders. I finally chose the thinner one thinking it would be warm but more comfortable.

I'm pretty sure I am making another trip to Kohl's tonight to exchange it for the other one.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, HELLO!, I need to be able to make day to day decisions. But most days even deciding what to make for dinner is overwhelming to me. It had gotten so bad for a while there that we were eating out or getting take out almost every night. I just can't seem to get past this though. I made some of the worst decisions when it mattered most. I failed Leah by not honoring as she deserved when she was born. So how am I to trust myself to make good decisions for my children who are still with me? It's been almost a year now, and instead of getting easier it's gotten harder.


amy f. said...

I have a hard time making decisions, too...over silly things like coats. I would do the same thing, call my husband to put it on him even though he has no idea what I'm looking at! I am the queen of returns.

I wish you didn't feel that you failed in honoring Leah. It sucks to live with that kind of guilt and regret. I'm sure you didn't fail. You did the best you could at the was so sudden and seriously, weren't you in major shock? So, why not honor her in a special way on the 1st anniversary of her birthday?? I'm still trying to come up with a special something to do on Dec. 3rd myself.

Amy said...

Thanks Amy F. for the sweet email. I hope you recieved my response. I'm racking my brain for what to do. Have you come up with any ideas for what you're going to do for Lydia yet?