Two Hearts

Last year there were two hearts beating in this body. And then sometime between one year ago yesterday and two weeks from then one of them stopped. I have no idea when that happened. Was I shopping? Hugging one of my boys? Cooking dinner? Could I have even been complaining about my morning sickness? How ironic would that be? I wonder if I had a funny feeling when it stopped and just didn't know why.

All I know is that when I learned that her heart stopped, mine broke. There's an emptiness that I can't explain. But it's always there. And it my heart didn't break just that day. It's broken so many times over the last year. As I longed to hold her. Imagined nursing her in the nights solitude. I can't tell you how many times I've stopped and thought of what she'd be doing now if she were with us.

We've passed so many milestones for Leah this year. The day we learned of the pregnancy, her due date and now the last time we heard that beautiful beating heart. And now all that's left is her birthday. And I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to remind myself of the complete joy we had just learning that there was a life in me. I'm trying to hang on to those few little flutters I felt. I'm trying so hard to celebrate her life, as short as it may have been.

I'm trying, but damn it's hard.