Last week was a tough week for me. Not only did my husband volunteer our home for the Thanks Giving holiday, it was also the one year anniversary of Leah's birth. And it was hard. I was grateful for the distraction of the holiday. Chances are if I didn't have to clean the house, bake, and decorate I would have spent the entire week under the covers hiding from the world.
Thanks Giving went off with out a hitch. Dinner was fantastic. If you've never brined your turkey I recommend you give it a shot. It makes the juiciest, tenderest, most flavorful bird. Ever. We all ate way to much, but still couldn't stop stuffing our faces. We had a great time playing Mario Kart on the Wii and ended the night all splayed out on the sofa and floor watching Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Never seen it? Check it out. One of the all time cheesiest movies.
Friday was a day a laziness. We lounged all day in our P.J.'s and played video games. We also set the Christmas tree up. The boys had a ball decorating but it was tough for me. This is the first year in 5 years we had ornaments on the whole tree. In the past only the top half was decorated because there was always a baby around to pull the ornaments off. But not this year. And then I turned into a blubbering mess as we hung Leah's ornament on the tree.
Then we have Saturday. The day. We had a busy day planned. Went to the Christmas parade with my family and then had dinner at my parents house. The boys were having so much fun there that my mom asked if they could spend the night. Of course the wanted to. We left shortly after that and I was finally able to relax and just let it all out. I bawled like a fricken baby the whole 45 minute drive home. And then I crawled in bed and didn't come out until midday Sunday.
While I'd give anything to have Leah here with me, I've taken to focusing on the amazing gifts she gave me. She's taught me humility and empathy in away I could have ever known. I've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt, because no matter how well they look on the outside, you just can't tell how broken they really are inside. And that's the best way I can describe myself. Broken. Over the past year some of the pieces have started to fall back into shape. But some were so decimated that there are holes left in their place. And I'm sure no matter what, some those holes will always be there. Sure, I'll continue to heal. But I'll never be the person I was before Leah.
I will create, not destroy
11 months ago