8 Months and Counting

Yesterday marked the eight month anniversary of when Leah Grace was born. Eight whole months. If the age old adage of "time flies when your having fun "stands true, then "time stands still when you're miserable" definitely holds some merit as well.

It's been a long and trying eight months. Just when I think I'm pulling it all back together something comes along and smacks me in the face. It's all so confusing. November 29th is Leah's birthday, but I know even if she'd been born alive she wasn't viable. So some days I think right now I'd have a bubbly, bouncing eight months old baby girl babbling away and cruising around right now. My house littered with sweet little pink play things. And then the logical side of me kicks in and says no, you should have a sweet cuddly little two month old baby girl right now who'd be cooing softly and just learning to smile. And then this is all compounded by the fact that I should be almost 4 months pregnant with a little boy right now. Do y'all see how this can be confusing on a girls mind?

So instead of being pregnant waiting for a little nudge on my bladder, or nursing a two month old or tickling a chubby little eight month old, Instead of all those things I'd so much rather do, I get to sit here and nurse a beer. Why? Simply because I can.

Sometimes, being able do to something is just so much worse.

Drastic Times...

Call for drastic measures.

This is what I've had resort to.

Is it the weekend yet?

Parental disclaimer: No children were injured or tormented in the making of the photo. Although I can't get the stinkers to come out now.

Bloggy Giveaways Carnival!

Up for grabs is a $15 gift card to AppleBee's, Chili's or Joe's Crab Shack - YOUR choice! All I ask in return is that you leave a comment with at least one unique fact about yourself and what restuarant you would like the gift card for.

I will choose a winner at random Friday morning - so be sure you've left me some juicy little tidbits about yourself before then! Please be sure I have a valid email address to contact you at!!

Head on over to Bloggy Giveaways to see all the other giveaways waiting to be won!

Awesome Give away!

In her quest of going green Heather at Running from the little people and From Grey to Green is offering up an awesome give away of an organic cotton lounge set! Go visit Heather and be sure to Comment by wednesday!

Friday Foto Finish!

One of my most favorite recent photo's of my goofy boys! Visit Candid Carrie and join in the foto fiesta!

Just A Big Ole Kid

Now I know where the little one gets his facial expressions and jumping style from! Like father like son!

Yes that pasty white hunk of man meat is my hubby. Now don't you all come clambering to MI at once! I'll fight ya for him!

When the Boys are Away the Mom will.......

do a whole heck of a lot of nothing! Pretty pathetic eh? But in my defense all of the boys aren't away. Big and Middle are spending the weekend at my parents. Thank goodness for them! They love spending time with my boys as much as my boys love spending time with them. But that still leaves us with the little one. And to be honest, he is the most challenging of them all.

Take yesterday for instance. After I dropped Big and Middle off the Little one and I went to meet hubby for lunch. We decided to meet at a restaurant that we frequented often back in the day that I had a job, ya know, pre babies? So of course the place is packed with people on their lunch break and the little one was the only kid in the place. And this boy was in rare form. He was excited and wound up and squealing like a banshee. And I just wanted to crawl under the table. Let me tell you, I was ready for a drink exhausted by the time we were done eating. So when hubs proposed we go out to lunch today I ran shrieking from our home put a damper on that real quick.

Instead we had a nice little squabble over who was more miserable. That was fun. We kissed and made up and went to pick up an ice cream maker from a woman on freecycle. Now don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful that she was giving me a 4 year old brand new ice cream maker, but she could have kept the cobwebs. Trust me, I have plenty.

Tonight we chowed down on some yummy Thai food and washed it down with a few beers. Had a Wii bit of fun. And I've spent the evening perusing through the BlogHerNot '08 tutorials What a riot! Check 'em out if you're bored. You'll be hooked!

So sure, I'm a little envious when I think of all the great times some of my favorite reads are having at BlogHer. And I dream of a time when maybe I'd go and have a blast with her and her as my roommates. But I guess instead I'll just enjoy the few minutes of quiet I can get and keep giggling to myself over the BlogHerNot posts.

Foto Finish Friday!

Oh this will be fun! Thanks Carrie, this is right up my alley!

I couldn't choose just one!

And the one just made me laugh!

Nothing like a little summer fun to wind down the week! Visit Carrie at Candid Carrie to do your own Foto Finish Friday!

I'm A Holder

Yeah, it's probably not what you're thinking though. I just hold things in and let them build up until I explode. And that is exactly what happened yesterday. Every thing was going along splendidly, or so I pretended. And once again, BOOM! You probably felt the Earth shake where you are and I'm hoping the flood of tears didn't cause you any water damage.

A good friend sent me an email with a link to this blog. I didn't even make it to the blog before my eyes got weepy. She mentioned Leah by name which pretty much no one does. And it made me so happy I cried. Then I actually clicked on the link she sent and I cried harder as I read Molly's post. Which led me to go to Molly's blog and her entire series on how to help some one going through a loss. Which had me blubbering like a little baby. But it was so relieving to know that everything I'm going through is normal. It was like Molly was is my head with some of the things she said. And as much as I hate it, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with the loss of a baby. It's like being in a club that you never wanted any part of. And I wish I could say nope sorry, no more members. We're full. But I know there are more families joining this club of complete heartbreak at this very moment.

So take a second and go read Molly's eloquent and well worded series. Unfortunately you may have a friend, loved one or even acquaintance join this club. And to know that silence does more harm than good and have an inkling of how to help them through will be appreciated more than you will ever know.

Mommy got her groove back

I'll be the first to admit that I've been off my game. Things haven't been getting done. I've been more content just hanging around the house playing with the little guys as opposed to actually going anywhere. But that's in the past. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off and putting myself back in the game.

Since today is the last mild temperature day in while we went and picked fruit. We loaded ourselves up with 2 quarts Pie cherries and 2 quarts of raspberries. Tomorrow we'll use these to make some yummy treats. I'm thinking raspberry jam and a cherry pie? I'm open for suggestions.

After our fruit picking escapade we went over to my moms house. The boys had a great time swimming. Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of my little fish because, wait for it....., I was in the pool too! We all had a ball and got nice and cool.

Afterwards the boys had fun spinning on the tire swing. It was the little ones first time on it and, as you can see, he loved it.


All in all it was a pretty great day. Sure the little one was less than thrilled when we started picking the berries. And the 45 minute drive both ways allowed my mind to wander a bit to much. But seeing my boys having a blast, well nothing can top that!

Potato Chips!

I could eat potato chips all day long. The salty, crunchy goodness just can't be beat. Except they cost about $3 bucks a bag and are definitely adding the weight accumulating on my rear. So in sticking with my new endeavor I decided to give making my own potato chips ago.

After reading up on it a bit I learned I needed a Mandolin to make this project much much easier. We have a love of kitchen utensils in our house so I welcome any excuse to get a new one.

After I returned from the store I dove right in. I sliced my potatoes, lined a pan with foil and lightly greased it with a canola oil spray, placed the potato slices in a singe layer , sprayed a light layer of canola oil on top, placed them in the preheated oven at 375 degrees and set the timer for 10 minutes so I could swap the top pan and the bottom pan for even cooking about half way through. Or so I thought. Apparently I set the timer on the microwave but forgot to hit start. This was the out come.

Yay. Pretty gross. I forgot about them until I smelled the smoke.

So I tried again. This time sliced them a little thicker. The other ones were just to thin and wouldn't have worked well even if I hadn't forgotten about them. And this was what I got.

Golden brown. Crispy. And most importantly, DELICIOUS! They were really great. Hub's and I devoured them in no time and I will definitely make them again. Soon. With the mandolin the slicing only took a minute or two. Baked them for 15 minutes and then flipped each chip over and baked for another 15 minutes. This was relatively quick and easy.

Super Sonic

For years now my dear hubby and I have been drooling over the Sonic commercials that have graced the screens of our television. Those juicy burgers and ice cream concoctions are beyond tantalizing. But here's the catch. They ran the commercials here in Merry old Michigan, where there just happened to be ZERO Sonics! The closest Sonic was 200 miles from here.

So you can imagine our excitement when 4 weeks ago they opened a Sonic about 45 minutes from our house. Sure we couldn't wait to try the tempting treats but an hour and a half round trip for fast food? We couldn't quite justify that. So we waited. We knew we'd be in that area eventually since my sister only lives about five minutes from the new restaurant. And today was the day. I didn't eat at all today in anticipation of sinking my teeth into steaming hot juicy burger. By the time I picked my boys up from my sisters house I was starving so it was a grab and go with the boys. No time to visit.

We mosey our way on over to Sonic which happens to be in a Meijer parking lot and that's where the confusion begins. Sonic is to my left yet the signs say I have to go to my right for the drive thru. So me being me - I go right, to the restaurant. Why would I drive to the middle of a parking lot when I want burgers I reasoned. I go to pull in and there's a teen there DIRECTING people. I tell him I'm going to the drive thru and he asks me if I waited in line. Um no. I can see the line of about 10 cars in front of me. He tells me I have to go out and follow the signs to the line and they'll give me directions there. So I leave and follow my way around, and low and behold. The line. There was about 15 people lined up in the parking lot of Meijers waiting for their turn to go get in line at Sonic!!! As tempting as their food may be, the three very crabby boys in the back persuaded me to leave.

So tell me friends. Is Sonic really worth it?

Heavy Heavy Heavy Like a Hippo

Thanks for the theme song Wonder Pets.

Yup. That's you me, on so many levels. Heavy thoughts, heavy heart, heck even my body, much to my dismay, is heavy.

I feel like there is a ton of bricks on my chest. I never thought heartbreak had a many physical ailments, but I sure was wrong. I can hardly breath sometimes from the weight pushing down on me.

Like this awesome chick, who yes I am linking to again because, well she's seriously that awesome, failure is not something I deal well with. And boy do I feel like I've failed. Failed myself, my husband , my family and my sweet babies. It seems like everyone else just gets on with life. No mention of the babies ever. So there's yet another failure, or so it feels, my inability to just move on. When we lost baby Leah I was determined to try again. What's the old saying? "Try and try again"? I was sure that things would be smooth sailing this time around. I was not going to be denied or admit failure. I WOULD have another baby here in my arms. And then bam. Nope sorry. Denied. Now I'm backed in to a corner. Admit failure and try to move on and accept my family as it is. Or try again. For once in my life failure is looking like the best option.


Regardless of how I failed them those babies are here with me in everything I do. They are in the subtle breeze carrying the bubbles the little one blows up to the sky, or in the suns rays that warm my skin while I watch my trio of little men playing in the yard.

I just wish I could wiggle out from this weight that's always on me. To laugh with out feeling hollow would be heavenly. To accomplish something with out spending hours working myself up for it, well that would be productive. I'm slacking on all fronts and I know I need to step up.
I'll get there.

Someday.

Mmmm Mmmmm good......

I LOVE to bake. There's just something about creating a delicious little dish that tickles every ones fancy and leaves them feeling satisfied. My dear friend Heather has inspired me to start making my own bread. I've been doing this for a few months now and I won't be going back to store bought any time soon. It's much more economical and I can sneak all kinds of healthy things into it and and my kids still eat it.

Since the home made bread was such a success I've been motivated to try making more things from scratch. This past weekend I tried granola. And boy oh boy - was it good! Hubs and I love granola but, lets face it, store bought granola is expensive! Sure the initial shopping trip seemed pricey, about twice the amount of a box of granola, but in the end it paid for it's self. I'm on my second batch and I still have enough supplies to make several more. And the cherry on top? My house smells heavenly right now!

Here's the recipe I'm using:

2 cups old-fashioned oats
1/2 cup wheat germ
2 Tbs. dark brown sugar
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup Extra Ingredients (I use sweetened flaked coconut, sliced almonds, raisins and chocolate chips)
1/4 cup maple syrup or honey
3 Tbs. vegetable or canola oil
1 Tb. water
1/2 Tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 275 degrees

Simmer Maple syrup or honey, oil, water and cinnamon over low heat.

Mix oats, wheat germ, brown sugar, salt and extras (leave out any dried fruit for now) in a large bowl.

Drizzle syrup mixture over the oats mixture and stir well coating the oats and extras.

Spread mixture on a 9x13 pan coated with cooking spray and create clumps by squeezing it a handful at a time.

Bake for 30 min. After 3o min stir in your dried fruit extras and bake for another 15 min. Remove from oven and let cool before adding any chocolate chips.

If you have any items that usually are store bought that you make from scratch please share!! I'm always looking from something new to try!

Answers Schmanswers....

We spend most of our lives looking for answers. It starts early on. We're groomed from an early age to seek out anwers. We're quized from the get go. Heck we spent ages tonight asking the little one all the things he knows the answers to. There's not whole a lot funnier than a two year old trying to snort like a pig. He had us all in stitches!

I can't tell you how many questions I get lately. Seems like the big one has a new question every second. "How does my throat know to swallow?" "Why do my eyes close?" and what seems to be his most favorite question "Mommy, are you still sad we aren't going to have a baby?"

We recieved some answers yesterday about our most recent loss. We found out that the sweet babe we loved from the second we knew about him was a boy. We also found out that sometimes when you think you want answers..... maybe you really don't. We found out our sweet boy had trisomy 22. After much reading on this today I've found out just how devestating it can be. And it scares the bejezzus outta me.

Seriously - I don't think I have what it takes to raise a disabled child. I just don't. And to know we were so close..... well. That just really makes me feel we were walking a thin line and that to try again...... we'd be totally pushing our luck. Who knows? Maybe once we meet with the specialists my tune might change. But thats a big maybe.