Friday Foto Finish

I love how well my boys get along. Seriously, they aren't normal. I have friends with 3 boys the same age and if my kids got along like they do, well let's just say I'd have been bald long ago from pulling my hair out. I'm not saying they never fight, but it's really pretty rare.

It's photos like this that remind me they are truly friends and not just brothers.

Wanna join in the Foto fiesta? Visit Candid Carrie!

'It's Not a Tumor"

Go ahead. You know you want to impersonate Mr. Schwarzenegger. I'll wait.

O.K. - we all done? Great!

Well, the results are in and...................... I have a beautiful, healthy brain! All was clear on my MRI and my lab work. {collective sigh}

So between a clean bill of health from both my neurologist and rheumatologist the balls back in our court.

Do we dare try again for another baby??? The million dollar question.

Every ounce of me aches for a baby, I'm just not sure if I've got what it takes anymore.

Warm

It's cold out. The ground is covered with a blanket of snow and all my car doors were frozen shut this morning! Yuck.

So I've decided to hide in the house all day. What better time than now to process some of my summer photos?! Not only am I finally getting something done, but looking at them makes me feel warm on so many levels.

Hope these warm you up a bit too!

Two Hearts

Last year there were two hearts beating in this body. And then sometime between one year ago yesterday and two weeks from then one of them stopped. I have no idea when that happened. Was I shopping? Hugging one of my boys? Cooking dinner? Could I have even been complaining about my morning sickness? How ironic would that be? I wonder if I had a funny feeling when it stopped and just didn't know why.

All I know is that when I learned that her heart stopped, mine broke. There's an emptiness that I can't explain. But it's always there. And it my heart didn't break just that day. It's broken so many times over the last year. As I longed to hold her. Imagined nursing her in the nights solitude. I can't tell you how many times I've stopped and thought of what she'd be doing now if she were with us.

We've passed so many milestones for Leah this year. The day we learned of the pregnancy, her due date and now the last time we heard that beautiful beating heart. And now all that's left is her birthday. And I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to remind myself of the complete joy we had just learning that there was a life in me. I'm trying to hang on to those few little flutters I felt. I'm trying so hard to celebrate her life, as short as it may have been.

I'm trying, but damn it's hard.

Pins and Needles

That's me. I've been on pins and needles since Friday night. I don't know if you recall but way back when, when we saw a maternal fetal medicine doctor he referred me to a couple other doctors to check some symptoms.

Well, I've seen both doctors now and am impatiently awaiting the results of all the testing I had done. I should get quite a few answers from my rhuematologist this afternoon. I'm not expecting much there. Especially since most of my joint pain that I've had for over a year has vanished. But I'm still anxious to hear what he has to say.

And then there's my neurology appointment that I had last week. Again, I met an amazing doctor and really liked him. I shouldn't have been surprised because he's my sisters neurologist, and she's always raved about him, but I was. But my appointment went a little different than expected. See, I was referred to him to be screened for Multiple Sclerosis because my sister has it. Now the actual chances of me having it are very slim, but since my sister is my closest biological link he felt I should be checked. So I kind of expected the neurologist to down play and maybe do an MRI to rule it out. How ever, after my exam he said with my history and symptoms he sees several things questionable and regardless of the link with my sister I should have been checked out. Huh? Wha????No.No.No doctor. That's not what I wanted to hear. You're supposed to say I'm sure it's nothing and we'll do tests to confirm that!

So Friday night I had my MRI. Have you ever had one of those?? Not fun. I had to lay on this table with a cage over my neck and head to hold me in place and inserted into this little tunnel where the roof was about a foot from my face. I made the mistake of keeping my eyes opened when they slid me in. I almost freaked out. And the noise?? It boomed and banged and clanked and thumped. Unbelievably loud. And the best part? I had to lay in there for an hour!

So hear I am anxiously awaiting those results. Since Friday I have convinced my self I have a brain tumor the size a basket ball or a aneurysm just waiting to blow. I was amazed I survived the weekend. I'm such a drama queen.

O.K. November, You Win.

I get it November, you're not going away any time soon. I've got to tell you though, I've spent quite some time thinking about you and dreading your arrival. I guess I was hoping you'd pack your bags this year and take a nice long trip somewhere. And yet here you are. All heart breaking, gut wrenching 30 days of you.

I guess you deserve some credit. After all, some good did come of you last year. Your cold winds ripped all the leaves off the trees. And with every bend I made to pick them up I was greeted by the sweet reminder of the life I had growing inside of me. That warming pinch of the new baby belly was so comforting.

And then there was the last time I heard Leah's heart beat. I was so relieved and thankful to hear that sound. Just that very morning was the memorial service for hub's childhood friends little girl. She had died at 32 weeks due to a cord accident. And when I visited my O.B. that afternoon she reassured me how rare it was and that while nothing is guaranteed I was in the clear at this point. And with ease she found that little heart beating away. I could have listened to that soft thumping and swooshing for ever.

And then? Well. Then my whole world was turned upside down. And while it may not be your fault November, I wish you'd just hurry yourself along and let me get back to pretending all is well. Cause honestly? I don't think I have the strength to relive everything again.