Holiday Hangover

The presents are all unwrapped, the tree is gone and the parties are over. So now what? I seriously think I'm suffering a holiday hangover. We spent months getting ready. Thinking about Christmas day. Making plans. And in one day it's over. Valentines day items have taken over the shelves and soon we'll be seeing Easter.

I just wish it could all linger a little longer. Maybe hear the holiday music a day or two longer. Let me ease out of being in overdrive. Now I'm bored out of my mind. I feel like I should still be doing 20,000 different things, but really - I just have 20,000 loads of laundry that are waiting on me.

So I here I sit. A little bored, feeling nostalgic that the year is almost over, and pondering what the new year will bring us.

I hope your Holiday was as fabulous as ours and that your new year brings you nothing but joy, laughter and happiness!!

Amy vs The Infomercial - Who wins??

So I'm sure you've seen all the commercials for the Snuggie. I mean heck, all you have to do is have your television on for 5 minutes and it's sure to come on. And this stinkin' commercial has been a giant pain in my ass. Every time it comes on the boys beg for it. Beg. They mope and moan and plead to have a Snuggie of their very own. And just when things begin to wind down it comes back on. Talk about a vicious cycle.

So I had to do something about it. But I really didn't want to pay $60 bucks for 3 Snuggies. So after a little searching on the Internet I found some directions on how to make them!

And Walah.....

We now have one very happy boy in his dino Snuggie. Oh.... and two not so happy boys as I only had enough fleece on hand for one.

The nice thing about making it was I could make adjustments as I saw fit. I shortened it a bit so when walking he wouldn't trip and made it smaller over all.

Guess I'll be hitting the fabric store tonight!

"My Dad's Lazy"

I've been putting in as much time as possible at The Big ones school lately. I swear, every day that I am there I'm come home with a dozen different stories and catching myself looking at the parents (and teachers) in a different light.



For instance. Last week I was working with the kids in small groups on some Christmas projects. We're all chatting away when my son pipes up that he wants an "easy bake, whatcha gonna make", A.K.A easy bake oven, for Christmas. The girls all pipe up that they want one to which causes him to defend his desire by stating that it's for boys too because they have blue ones. So me in my need to defend my son, who in no way needed defending, butts in and tells them all that some of the most famous chefs in the world are men. One kid says "oh yeah thats true. But my dad can't cook". One chimes in "mine can cook but my mom won't let him'. And the last? She pipes up that her "dads lazy and doesn't do anything".



I think I need to start putting a mic on The Big One so I can hear the dirt he's dishing on us at school. Oh to be a fly on the wall in that classroom.

And the Beat Goes On.

Last week was a tough week for me. Not only did my husband volunteer our home for the Thanks Giving holiday, it was also the one year anniversary of Leah's birth. And it was hard. I was grateful for the distraction of the holiday. Chances are if I didn't have to clean the house, bake, and decorate I would have spent the entire week under the covers hiding from the world.

Thanks Giving went off with out a hitch. Dinner was fantastic. If you've never brined your turkey I recommend you give it a shot. It makes the juiciest, tenderest, most flavorful bird. Ever. We all ate way to much, but still couldn't stop stuffing our faces. We had a great time playing Mario Kart on the Wii and ended the night all splayed out on the sofa and floor watching Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Never seen it? Check it out. One of the all time cheesiest movies.

Friday was a day a laziness. We lounged all day in our P.J.'s and played video games. We also set the Christmas tree up. The boys had a ball decorating but it was tough for me. This is the first year in 5 years we had ornaments on the whole tree. In the past only the top half was decorated because there was always a baby around to pull the ornaments off. But not this year. And then I turned into a blubbering mess as we hung Leah's ornament on the tree.

Then we have Saturday. The day. We had a busy day planned. Went to the Christmas parade with my family and then had dinner at my parents house. The boys were having so much fun there that my mom asked if they could spend the night. Of course the wanted to. We left shortly after that and I was finally able to relax and just let it all out. I bawled like a fricken baby the whole 45 minute drive home. And then I crawled in bed and didn't come out until midday Sunday.

While I'd give anything to have Leah here with me, I've taken to focusing on the amazing gifts she gave me. She's taught me humility and empathy in away I could have ever known. I've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt, because no matter how well they look on the outside, you just can't tell how broken they really are inside. And that's the best way I can describe myself. Broken. Over the past year some of the pieces have started to fall back into shape. But some were so decimated that there are holes left in their place. And I'm sure no matter what, some those holes will always be there. Sure, I'll continue to heal. But I'll never be the person I was before Leah.

Friday Foto Finish

I love how well my boys get along. Seriously, they aren't normal. I have friends with 3 boys the same age and if my kids got along like they do, well let's just say I'd have been bald long ago from pulling my hair out. I'm not saying they never fight, but it's really pretty rare.

It's photos like this that remind me they are truly friends and not just brothers.

Wanna join in the Foto fiesta? Visit Candid Carrie!

'It's Not a Tumor"

Go ahead. You know you want to impersonate Mr. Schwarzenegger. I'll wait.

O.K. - we all done? Great!

Well, the results are in and...................... I have a beautiful, healthy brain! All was clear on my MRI and my lab work. {collective sigh}

So between a clean bill of health from both my neurologist and rheumatologist the balls back in our court.

Do we dare try again for another baby??? The million dollar question.

Every ounce of me aches for a baby, I'm just not sure if I've got what it takes anymore.

Warm

It's cold out. The ground is covered with a blanket of snow and all my car doors were frozen shut this morning! Yuck.

So I've decided to hide in the house all day. What better time than now to process some of my summer photos?! Not only am I finally getting something done, but looking at them makes me feel warm on so many levels.

Hope these warm you up a bit too!

Two Hearts

Last year there were two hearts beating in this body. And then sometime between one year ago yesterday and two weeks from then one of them stopped. I have no idea when that happened. Was I shopping? Hugging one of my boys? Cooking dinner? Could I have even been complaining about my morning sickness? How ironic would that be? I wonder if I had a funny feeling when it stopped and just didn't know why.

All I know is that when I learned that her heart stopped, mine broke. There's an emptiness that I can't explain. But it's always there. And it my heart didn't break just that day. It's broken so many times over the last year. As I longed to hold her. Imagined nursing her in the nights solitude. I can't tell you how many times I've stopped and thought of what she'd be doing now if she were with us.

We've passed so many milestones for Leah this year. The day we learned of the pregnancy, her due date and now the last time we heard that beautiful beating heart. And now all that's left is her birthday. And I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to remind myself of the complete joy we had just learning that there was a life in me. I'm trying to hang on to those few little flutters I felt. I'm trying so hard to celebrate her life, as short as it may have been.

I'm trying, but damn it's hard.

Pins and Needles

That's me. I've been on pins and needles since Friday night. I don't know if you recall but way back when, when we saw a maternal fetal medicine doctor he referred me to a couple other doctors to check some symptoms.

Well, I've seen both doctors now and am impatiently awaiting the results of all the testing I had done. I should get quite a few answers from my rhuematologist this afternoon. I'm not expecting much there. Especially since most of my joint pain that I've had for over a year has vanished. But I'm still anxious to hear what he has to say.

And then there's my neurology appointment that I had last week. Again, I met an amazing doctor and really liked him. I shouldn't have been surprised because he's my sisters neurologist, and she's always raved about him, but I was. But my appointment went a little different than expected. See, I was referred to him to be screened for Multiple Sclerosis because my sister has it. Now the actual chances of me having it are very slim, but since my sister is my closest biological link he felt I should be checked. So I kind of expected the neurologist to down play and maybe do an MRI to rule it out. How ever, after my exam he said with my history and symptoms he sees several things questionable and regardless of the link with my sister I should have been checked out. Huh? Wha????No.No.No doctor. That's not what I wanted to hear. You're supposed to say I'm sure it's nothing and we'll do tests to confirm that!

So Friday night I had my MRI. Have you ever had one of those?? Not fun. I had to lay on this table with a cage over my neck and head to hold me in place and inserted into this little tunnel where the roof was about a foot from my face. I made the mistake of keeping my eyes opened when they slid me in. I almost freaked out. And the noise?? It boomed and banged and clanked and thumped. Unbelievably loud. And the best part? I had to lay in there for an hour!

So hear I am anxiously awaiting those results. Since Friday I have convinced my self I have a brain tumor the size a basket ball or a aneurysm just waiting to blow. I was amazed I survived the weekend. I'm such a drama queen.

O.K. November, You Win.

I get it November, you're not going away any time soon. I've got to tell you though, I've spent quite some time thinking about you and dreading your arrival. I guess I was hoping you'd pack your bags this year and take a nice long trip somewhere. And yet here you are. All heart breaking, gut wrenching 30 days of you.

I guess you deserve some credit. After all, some good did come of you last year. Your cold winds ripped all the leaves off the trees. And with every bend I made to pick them up I was greeted by the sweet reminder of the life I had growing inside of me. That warming pinch of the new baby belly was so comforting.

And then there was the last time I heard Leah's heart beat. I was so relieved and thankful to hear that sound. Just that very morning was the memorial service for hub's childhood friends little girl. She had died at 32 weeks due to a cord accident. And when I visited my O.B. that afternoon she reassured me how rare it was and that while nothing is guaranteed I was in the clear at this point. And with ease she found that little heart beating away. I could have listened to that soft thumping and swooshing for ever.

And then? Well. Then my whole world was turned upside down. And while it may not be your fault November, I wish you'd just hurry yourself along and let me get back to pretending all is well. Cause honestly? I don't think I have the strength to relive everything again.

Decisions Decisions

Are you a good decision maker? Are you able to make a choice easily and not look back on it and question it? I used to be. I had no problem when it came to making choices. But when Leah died I made so many poor decisions that now every choice I'm faced with is a major struggle.

It was freezing here this morning. 34 degrees when we had to leave for school. Which of course left me scrambling to find the winter coats. I found the Big Ones coat from last year, which fit Motor Mouth perfect. I found Motor Mouths coat from last year, which fit the Little One Perfectly. So that left the big one freezing his tush off on a sunny, almost winter morning. Nice one mom. I doubled him up in sweatshirts and headed straight to Kohl's after school drop off.

Kohl's is having a great sale right now, by the way. 50-55% off winter Coats. There was a great selection, but quite a few had those nice faux fur collars and hood lining. Ick. So I was able to narrow it down to 2 coats fairly easily. My two selections were one that was thinner but lined with triple fleece,which is supposed to be super warm. The other was a thick 3-in-1 coat by Nike. I liked them both. I couldn't decide. At all. I walked around Kohl's for an hour trying to decide. I called my husband so he could decide for me. You know, cause he's never even seen the coats, but I didn't care because then the decision wasn't on my shoulders. I finally chose the thinner one thinking it would be warm but more comfortable.

I'm pretty sure I am making another trip to Kohl's tonight to exchange it for the other one.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, HELLO!, I need to be able to make day to day decisions. But most days even deciding what to make for dinner is overwhelming to me. It had gotten so bad for a while there that we were eating out or getting take out almost every night. I just can't seem to get past this though. I made some of the worst decisions when it mattered most. I failed Leah by not honoring as she deserved when she was born. So how am I to trust myself to make good decisions for my children who are still with me? It's been almost a year now, and instead of getting easier it's gotten harder.

Friday Foto Finish

I was combing through all my photos, looking for motormouths birth pictures, I stumbled across this one.

THIS is what it's all about. Motormouth loving on his baby brother. It's hard to believe they were ever so little!! Just look at Motormouths sweet pudgy hands and giant melon! And the Little One, so small. I miss those days. They couldn't talk back to me then.


Go visit Carrie and join in the Friday Foto Fiesta!

Up to my Eyeballs in Bodily Fluids

Ugh. I am not down with the sickness. That's all that's been in my house since Monday morning. Here's a brief description of my week.

On Monday The Big One crawls out of his bed and says "Mom, I can't open my eye very much." All it took was one look to confirm pink eye. But since we haven't had pin k eye in 5 years we had no meds. So off I go with 3 boys to the pediatrician. All for him to walk in and say "Yup-pink. I'll give you some drops." Thanks for making me spend $25 dollars for your whole 2 minutes of time Doc.

Tuesday they all miss school. Motormouth and CCP were caught rubbing their eyes so I kept them home and started drops on them as well.

Wednesday the coughing and the runny noses started. For everyone. I have never seen anything like the ooze coming out of CCP's nose. Makes me gag. Motormouth was feeling pretty bad come dinner time so rather than eat he goes to bed.

That brings us to this morning. First motormouth has a major coughing fit in the bathroom and proceeds to throw up all over the floor. Have I mentioned I don't handle vomit well? If not, I don't. It makes me want to vomit. What a horrible cycle. So we get him and the bathroom all cleaned up and get back to the morning routine. As I'm in the kitchen CCP has a major coughing fit. Can you guess where I'm going with this? Yup. He vomited all over the kitchen floor. So there's a whole nother clean up. They have both been acting fine ever since, so I'm chalking it up to coughing to hard. A girl can wish right?

Oh, and did i mention that I'm totally PMS'ing through all of this? Yeah. NOT fun. I think we're past Calgon here. I need a bottle of tequila and a nice soft bed to get past this week.

4 years

It's hard to believe that it's been four years since motormouth has been born. Some days it seems like yesterday. Some days it feels like he's a teenager with all his angst.

Four years ago I was 39 weeks pregnant. We decided to go walk around Walmart, for some reason I always had major contractions when I walked around there. Well, the little stinker must have known what was up. As Hubs took the big one out to get him in the car I was grabbing a few things and that's when it happened. I sneezed. And that sneeze set off a chain of events. I had to yell out the window to Hubs "Never mind. My water broke." Back in they came and we packed up to leave. Yes, you read that right. I was never one to actually back a hospital bag. I jumped in the shower and then off to the hospital I went.

My parents met us and swept the big one away to their house.

It was a nice smooth labor. Everything progressed as it should. About 3am I received my epidural and was finally able to sleep. At around 8am my O.B. showed up and chastised me and my nurses for having my epidural so early and that I surely slowed down my labor. About 45 minutes later I called my nurse and said things were getting unbearable. She checked me. He was right there. In your face doctor! She got there just in time for motormouth to pop out. All 9 pounds 5 ounces of him.

He was always such a good baby. Nursed well, slept pretty good and was just all around a happy little guy. And he's grown into such a wonderful little boy. I would be lost with out him. I may call him motormouth, but that little voice is like music to my ears. It is one of the sweetest songs that I've ever heard.

Happy birthday my sweet little boy. Your mommy loves you more than you ever know. These last four years with you have been the best of my life, and I look forward to many, many, many more. I love watching you learn something new. I love watching you grow. I love how you love me. And even though you are only four years old, I need you, just as much as you need me. I pray every day that you are getting what you need from me and your daddy to be a well rounded young man. I worry constantly that as the middle child you feel like you are missing something. Your brothers, both, have finagled a lot more mommy alone time than you have. But I hope you know I try my hardest to make sure you have some quality mommy time as well. You've had such a strong voice, please don't ever lose it. I'll give you my all sweet boy.

Happy birthday my little sweet potato! You are my love, my light and my life.

Foto Finish Friday!!

Caught red handed!! "No mom, I wasn't in the cake mix."

Go visit Carrie and join in the Foto Fiesta!!

Have you filled a bucket today?

Since the big one has started kindergarten he has been exposed to all kinds of new things. Some good, some bad and some annoying as all heck. But my favorite thing he's learned so far is the bucket fillers program.

The bucket fillers program teaches kids to be more mindful of the people around them and how their actions might affect them. Seems kinda like a long stretch for a kindergartner, right? I mean they live in the here and now and don't always think things through. This program is so simple though, and even my three and two year old are benefiting from it.

Basically the jest of it is this. We all carry an imaginary bucket in our hearts. When people do nice things to or for us it fills our bucket. When people say hurtful things or do things that hurt us they dip in our buckets. Basically, by making us more aware of how we are feeling it makes us more aware of how we make others feel. It's been instilled in the kids minds that making others feel good makes them feel good as well. So that a double whammy of filling! And it's such an easy concept, the kids catch on quickly.

If you're interested in learning more, visit bucket filling 101. I attended one of the adult seminars given by the author, Carol McCloud, and honestly? It was life changing. It made me more aware of how I was parenting and how I could do better.

Oh, and one last little thing..... it makes my kids behave so much better. If they are acting up or fighting, all I have to do is mention someone dipping in someone else bucket, and boom! The situation has been diffused!!

They're ooky and they're spooky.....

but I think they are kind kooky too. On Monday, as I drove the big one to school I passed a house. It was a cute, well kept house. Nothing out of the ordinary. Well, except for the fact that it was decked out for Halloween already. I was tempted to stop the car and knock on their door. You know, just to make sure they knew what the date was.

I've noticed every year there is a competition with a few houses on my street as to who can get their Halloween decorations up first. I guess if you aren't first you just have no spirit? Well. pffffft on all of them! I love Halloween. It is, by far, my favorite holiday. And when October first rolls around I'll be up bright and early decorating. But until then my cobwebs and skeletons will remain packed neatly away.

I guess the reason this bothers me is that it seems like we are all just rushing through our lives. Instead of focusing on and enjoying the here and now, we're concerned with the happenings of a month from now. If there is one thing I've learned over the past 9 months, it's this. Don't take things for granted. Life can and does change in the blink of an eye. We need to immerse ourselves in all we can today, cause who knows what tomorrow holds for us?

It started out innocent enough....

As I entered the living room with a load (or three) of laundry in my arms the big one sweetly asked "Mom, will you get me a crayon?". I look over to see him lounging on the sofa, a pillow propping him up and a blanket over his legs. Boy did he look comfy. And yet I had to tell him to get it himself as I was to lazy busy. Then I hear "Servant boy. Get me my crayons." WHAT?!?!? Could I possibly have heard that right??? So rather than throw myself in the middle, I sit back and wait it out. Then he says "Servant Boy! I told you to get my crayons." At this point I interject that the middle one is in fact NOT his servant boy and he needs to get his own stuff.

I don't know what was worse. The fact that the big one felt it was OK to say this to his brother, or the fact that his brother actually got up from what he was doing and got him his crayons.

I wonder where he learned that one. Oh wait. I've got a pretty darn good idea. Just one of the finer points of kindergarten - all the bizarre things they bring home.

Guess who's back!!

Yes, I know it's been a while. So much has been going on and I've just been so wiped out that I just let this blog slide.

Any way....... here's a little bit of what's been happening!

On the 24th we celebrated out 6 year anniversary! Hard to believe it's been six years already. Time sure has flown. Together we've celebrated the the most joyful times in our lives and mourned the worst loss imaginable. We've changed and grown (mentally, emotionally and physically) and through it all we've come to settle in our roles as husband and wife, mom and dad and the best of friends. There's no one on earth I'd rather share my life with.

We spent a week camping at the end of August. What an amazing week it was. We couldn't have asked for more perfect weather. Mid to high 70's, just warm enough to swim at the beach but not to warm that we were ever uncomfortable. We cooked most of our meals over an open fire and just relaxed. It had been a long time since we were able to just let everything go and focus on us as a family.

The big one started kindergarten. What an adjustment it's been. For me anyway. He absolutely loves it. He goes all day, five days a week and this definitely puts a damper on all our fun. Now all our fun has to be scheduled into the weekend. Where as before we would do all kinds of stuff during the week when crowds were at a minimum and spend the weekends just chilling out with family. He also gets pretty upset when he hears we did something during the day that he likes to do. So this darn school thing had put me in a damned if I do damned if I don't predicament. I feel guilty if we do things with out him, but I feel guilty for not doing enough with the other two.

Motormouth started preschool as well. He's happy to have somewhere to go a couple days a week. He was a little upset that his brother wasn't in his class again this year, but got over it pretty quickly.


As for Captain Crazy Pants, well, he's just as crazy as ever. He loves having me all to himself two mornings a week. We'll be starting a mom and me play class tomorrow. That should be fun.

A lot of other junk has been going on too. But nothing too exciting!

Friday Foto Fiesta Finish

We took a camping trip the last week of August and this is just one of my favs!!

Come play along with the Friday Foto Fiesta Finish by visiting Candid Carrie.

On a side note - I know I've been scarce. Things have been busy busy here and a nasty cold has been kickin my butt! I'm hoping to catch up soon!

MTHFR....

No - I didn't just decide to pound on the keys instead of writing an actual title. Those lovely letters stand for MethyleneTetraHydroFolate Reductase Gene Mutation. And that my friends is what I have. I am officially mutated. Well at least two of my genes are. Both the C677T and A1298C. So if I recall all the info the nurse rattled off to my over the phone I am double heterozygous because both genes are affected and I only recieved the mutation from one of my parents.

So with all the medical mumble jumble aside it boils down to this. If we do decide to get pregnant again I will be put on a regimen of folate with B6 and B12. MTHFR apparently reduces my ability to absorb the folate so the B vitamins will help with the absorption. Then if I do get pregnant I will be placed on daily heparin injections. The MTHFR can also cause blood clots. So although they can't promise me one way or another that this was the issue with Leah, the Dr wants to take all precautions and assume it may be a factor.

So that's the latest update in this saga. I still have to see a Rheumatologist and Neurologist but at least we're heading in the right direction.

Most Days......

Most days I hold it all together.
Most days I make it through without a break down.
Most days I marvel over the new things my boys do.
Most days I manage to pretend it's someone else who's going through this.
Most days I'm not angry.

Some days I am so angry at everything and everyone.
Some days I can only focus on what I don't have instead of what I do.
Some days when my boys are doing something new, funny or crazy I'm resentful that their sister and brother won't ever get to do these things.
Some days it just all falls apart.

Some day it's been today.

Theory Of The Crazy Cat Lady

When I see stories like this I can't help but wonder how a person acquires fifty cats. I can hardly tolerate my 1 cat and 2 dogs on a daily basis. And then it hit me today.

A little background

We got our dog Thor almost 7 years ago. And up until about 6 months ago this rotten dog has tormented me. Every single day this stinky beast would use my home as his potty field. Now don't go thinking "Well if she let the dog out she wouldn't have this problem" because he is outside the majority of the day. He loves to be outside, he just doesn't want to poo in his play area.

Fast forward to 6 months ago.

We bought a new puppy. Oden is a cute little miniature schnauzer. And now he torments me. The funny thing is since we've bought the puppy, Thor has stopped using the house as his private bathroom and he's become a family favorite. Wooo hoooo!! BUT! He handed down his habit to Oden. I know. I know. He's a puppy. But here's the thing. He will spend hours outside and when he comes in he goes to one of two areas to doo his deed. So I've resorted back to caging him, but when ever I give him a chance he runs and soils my home.

So by now you're probably thinking what the hell is she talking about and what does this have to do with the crazy cat lady who collected 50 cats. Here's my theory. She had one cat she hated and when she got a new cat she hated the first a little bit less. Then when she hated the second cat she got a third so she'd like the second cat. And so on and so on until her home was filled with stinky cats and piles of poo. Oh and did you notice it said some were dead? Those were probably her favorites since they couldn't bug her anymore.

When we were at the mall yesterday we took the boys to pet the puppies in the pet shop. While there the thought of getting a new dog so I might like Oden a little bit more actually crossed my mind.

And thus my theory of the origins of a crazy cat lady!

Operation Baking Gals

While I was strolling around the Bloggy Carnival Giveaway I stumbled upon an amazing discovery. Something I am so excited to take part in and am so glad to have the opportunity to offer my support to our troops in some way.

Susan over at She's Becoming Doughmesstic sent an email out to family and friends hoping some would be interested in sending her cousin some yummy good old fashioned goodies to help him and his troops not feel so home sick. Well thanks to the overwhelming response she received Operation Baking Gals was born! I just missed last months dead line so I'm very excited to get to participate this round. And since last month was such a huge success there are 6 hosts for round two! So head on over to Operation Baking Gals and select the soldier you want to send goodies to!! It's a win win situation. You get to support some soldiers and give them a taste of home and you get to sneak a treat or two for your self and then ship the rest off to save your figure!

Man of my Dreams

I met a man yesterday. He's tall. Slightly graying hair, but in men that means they're distinguished right? A little older than myself but that's a good thing. He listened to every word I had to say. Every. Single. Word. And he acted on them. I think I'm in love.

Oh. I don't mean like that! C'mon on, I'm a happily married woman! This man I met was the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr that my OB referred me to. And oh my goodness! He is the best doctor I have ever met! I knew I liked him before he even came into my room. See, I could hear him in the room next to me and the way he talked to that patient was unlike anything I'd heard before. He was patient. He took his time. He explained things. I heard him going on and on about their ultrasound in detail even though everything was perfect on it. In all my experiences with 3 different OB's all I got was everything looked good. I couldn't wait for my turn!

When he came in he made us at ease instantly. And then he started talking about the trisomy issue. Yup! He read my entire chart before he came into our room. He knew every issue that was going on and addressed them all. He took everything I said and felt and totally validated it. There is nothing worse than mentioning something that's bothering you to just have it dismissed. Let's get you screened for MS, Let's get you into a rhumatologist, I've got several more blood tests my I'd like to have done on you. Everything covered in my family history? I'm getting tested for it! I love a proactive doctor!

He was a little shocked that after 3 healthy babies we are now having a trisomy issue. Especially being so young, his words not mine. Before for my age the chance of having a trisomy issue was 1 in 200. Now it's 1 in 100. I knew it increased the chances and there was no cut and dry of you will or you won't have another trisomy baby. So that hasn't really changed things one way or another. But it feels awesome having a doctor going to bat for me.

I'm a wanderer

I'm not ignoring you. I swear. I've been guest blogging! Yup - lil' ole me off exploring the world of being a guest blogger!

If you want to see what I've had to say all you a have to do is go visit Heather's blogs Running From the Little People and From Grey to Green.

I'll have something new for you here soon! I promise.

And the Winner is.............

Paula! And her unique fact is that she can drum her toes! I've been trying to drum my toes all week. Thanks Paula.

Thanks to all who entered and played along! I loved reading all your unique facts.

8 Months and Counting

Yesterday marked the eight month anniversary of when Leah Grace was born. Eight whole months. If the age old adage of "time flies when your having fun "stands true, then "time stands still when you're miserable" definitely holds some merit as well.

It's been a long and trying eight months. Just when I think I'm pulling it all back together something comes along and smacks me in the face. It's all so confusing. November 29th is Leah's birthday, but I know even if she'd been born alive she wasn't viable. So some days I think right now I'd have a bubbly, bouncing eight months old baby girl babbling away and cruising around right now. My house littered with sweet little pink play things. And then the logical side of me kicks in and says no, you should have a sweet cuddly little two month old baby girl right now who'd be cooing softly and just learning to smile. And then this is all compounded by the fact that I should be almost 4 months pregnant with a little boy right now. Do y'all see how this can be confusing on a girls mind?

So instead of being pregnant waiting for a little nudge on my bladder, or nursing a two month old or tickling a chubby little eight month old, Instead of all those things I'd so much rather do, I get to sit here and nurse a beer. Why? Simply because I can.

Sometimes, being able do to something is just so much worse.

Drastic Times...

Call for drastic measures.

This is what I've had resort to.

Is it the weekend yet?

Parental disclaimer: No children were injured or tormented in the making of the photo. Although I can't get the stinkers to come out now.

Bloggy Giveaways Carnival!

Up for grabs is a $15 gift card to AppleBee's, Chili's or Joe's Crab Shack - YOUR choice! All I ask in return is that you leave a comment with at least one unique fact about yourself and what restuarant you would like the gift card for.

I will choose a winner at random Friday morning - so be sure you've left me some juicy little tidbits about yourself before then! Please be sure I have a valid email address to contact you at!!

Head on over to Bloggy Giveaways to see all the other giveaways waiting to be won!

Awesome Give away!

In her quest of going green Heather at Running from the little people and From Grey to Green is offering up an awesome give away of an organic cotton lounge set! Go visit Heather and be sure to Comment by wednesday!

Friday Foto Finish!

One of my most favorite recent photo's of my goofy boys! Visit Candid Carrie and join in the foto fiesta!

Just A Big Ole Kid

Now I know where the little one gets his facial expressions and jumping style from! Like father like son!

Yes that pasty white hunk of man meat is my hubby. Now don't you all come clambering to MI at once! I'll fight ya for him!

When the Boys are Away the Mom will.......

do a whole heck of a lot of nothing! Pretty pathetic eh? But in my defense all of the boys aren't away. Big and Middle are spending the weekend at my parents. Thank goodness for them! They love spending time with my boys as much as my boys love spending time with them. But that still leaves us with the little one. And to be honest, he is the most challenging of them all.

Take yesterday for instance. After I dropped Big and Middle off the Little one and I went to meet hubby for lunch. We decided to meet at a restaurant that we frequented often back in the day that I had a job, ya know, pre babies? So of course the place is packed with people on their lunch break and the little one was the only kid in the place. And this boy was in rare form. He was excited and wound up and squealing like a banshee. And I just wanted to crawl under the table. Let me tell you, I was ready for a drink exhausted by the time we were done eating. So when hubs proposed we go out to lunch today I ran shrieking from our home put a damper on that real quick.

Instead we had a nice little squabble over who was more miserable. That was fun. We kissed and made up and went to pick up an ice cream maker from a woman on freecycle. Now don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful that she was giving me a 4 year old brand new ice cream maker, but she could have kept the cobwebs. Trust me, I have plenty.

Tonight we chowed down on some yummy Thai food and washed it down with a few beers. Had a Wii bit of fun. And I've spent the evening perusing through the BlogHerNot '08 tutorials What a riot! Check 'em out if you're bored. You'll be hooked!

So sure, I'm a little envious when I think of all the great times some of my favorite reads are having at BlogHer. And I dream of a time when maybe I'd go and have a blast with her and her as my roommates. But I guess instead I'll just enjoy the few minutes of quiet I can get and keep giggling to myself over the BlogHerNot posts.

Foto Finish Friday!

Oh this will be fun! Thanks Carrie, this is right up my alley!

I couldn't choose just one!

And the one just made me laugh!

Nothing like a little summer fun to wind down the week! Visit Carrie at Candid Carrie to do your own Foto Finish Friday!

I'm A Holder

Yeah, it's probably not what you're thinking though. I just hold things in and let them build up until I explode. And that is exactly what happened yesterday. Every thing was going along splendidly, or so I pretended. And once again, BOOM! You probably felt the Earth shake where you are and I'm hoping the flood of tears didn't cause you any water damage.

A good friend sent me an email with a link to this blog. I didn't even make it to the blog before my eyes got weepy. She mentioned Leah by name which pretty much no one does. And it made me so happy I cried. Then I actually clicked on the link she sent and I cried harder as I read Molly's post. Which led me to go to Molly's blog and her entire series on how to help some one going through a loss. Which had me blubbering like a little baby. But it was so relieving to know that everything I'm going through is normal. It was like Molly was is my head with some of the things she said. And as much as I hate it, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with the loss of a baby. It's like being in a club that you never wanted any part of. And I wish I could say nope sorry, no more members. We're full. But I know there are more families joining this club of complete heartbreak at this very moment.

So take a second and go read Molly's eloquent and well worded series. Unfortunately you may have a friend, loved one or even acquaintance join this club. And to know that silence does more harm than good and have an inkling of how to help them through will be appreciated more than you will ever know.

Mommy got her groove back

I'll be the first to admit that I've been off my game. Things haven't been getting done. I've been more content just hanging around the house playing with the little guys as opposed to actually going anywhere. But that's in the past. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off and putting myself back in the game.

Since today is the last mild temperature day in while we went and picked fruit. We loaded ourselves up with 2 quarts Pie cherries and 2 quarts of raspberries. Tomorrow we'll use these to make some yummy treats. I'm thinking raspberry jam and a cherry pie? I'm open for suggestions.

After our fruit picking escapade we went over to my moms house. The boys had a great time swimming. Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of my little fish because, wait for it....., I was in the pool too! We all had a ball and got nice and cool.

Afterwards the boys had fun spinning on the tire swing. It was the little ones first time on it and, as you can see, he loved it.


All in all it was a pretty great day. Sure the little one was less than thrilled when we started picking the berries. And the 45 minute drive both ways allowed my mind to wander a bit to much. But seeing my boys having a blast, well nothing can top that!

Potato Chips!

I could eat potato chips all day long. The salty, crunchy goodness just can't be beat. Except they cost about $3 bucks a bag and are definitely adding the weight accumulating on my rear. So in sticking with my new endeavor I decided to give making my own potato chips ago.

After reading up on it a bit I learned I needed a Mandolin to make this project much much easier. We have a love of kitchen utensils in our house so I welcome any excuse to get a new one.

After I returned from the store I dove right in. I sliced my potatoes, lined a pan with foil and lightly greased it with a canola oil spray, placed the potato slices in a singe layer , sprayed a light layer of canola oil on top, placed them in the preheated oven at 375 degrees and set the timer for 10 minutes so I could swap the top pan and the bottom pan for even cooking about half way through. Or so I thought. Apparently I set the timer on the microwave but forgot to hit start. This was the out come.

Yay. Pretty gross. I forgot about them until I smelled the smoke.

So I tried again. This time sliced them a little thicker. The other ones were just to thin and wouldn't have worked well even if I hadn't forgotten about them. And this was what I got.

Golden brown. Crispy. And most importantly, DELICIOUS! They were really great. Hub's and I devoured them in no time and I will definitely make them again. Soon. With the mandolin the slicing only took a minute or two. Baked them for 15 minutes and then flipped each chip over and baked for another 15 minutes. This was relatively quick and easy.

Super Sonic

For years now my dear hubby and I have been drooling over the Sonic commercials that have graced the screens of our television. Those juicy burgers and ice cream concoctions are beyond tantalizing. But here's the catch. They ran the commercials here in Merry old Michigan, where there just happened to be ZERO Sonics! The closest Sonic was 200 miles from here.

So you can imagine our excitement when 4 weeks ago they opened a Sonic about 45 minutes from our house. Sure we couldn't wait to try the tempting treats but an hour and a half round trip for fast food? We couldn't quite justify that. So we waited. We knew we'd be in that area eventually since my sister only lives about five minutes from the new restaurant. And today was the day. I didn't eat at all today in anticipation of sinking my teeth into steaming hot juicy burger. By the time I picked my boys up from my sisters house I was starving so it was a grab and go with the boys. No time to visit.

We mosey our way on over to Sonic which happens to be in a Meijer parking lot and that's where the confusion begins. Sonic is to my left yet the signs say I have to go to my right for the drive thru. So me being me - I go right, to the restaurant. Why would I drive to the middle of a parking lot when I want burgers I reasoned. I go to pull in and there's a teen there DIRECTING people. I tell him I'm going to the drive thru and he asks me if I waited in line. Um no. I can see the line of about 10 cars in front of me. He tells me I have to go out and follow the signs to the line and they'll give me directions there. So I leave and follow my way around, and low and behold. The line. There was about 15 people lined up in the parking lot of Meijers waiting for their turn to go get in line at Sonic!!! As tempting as their food may be, the three very crabby boys in the back persuaded me to leave.

So tell me friends. Is Sonic really worth it?

Heavy Heavy Heavy Like a Hippo

Thanks for the theme song Wonder Pets.

Yup. That's you me, on so many levels. Heavy thoughts, heavy heart, heck even my body, much to my dismay, is heavy.

I feel like there is a ton of bricks on my chest. I never thought heartbreak had a many physical ailments, but I sure was wrong. I can hardly breath sometimes from the weight pushing down on me.

Like this awesome chick, who yes I am linking to again because, well she's seriously that awesome, failure is not something I deal well with. And boy do I feel like I've failed. Failed myself, my husband , my family and my sweet babies. It seems like everyone else just gets on with life. No mention of the babies ever. So there's yet another failure, or so it feels, my inability to just move on. When we lost baby Leah I was determined to try again. What's the old saying? "Try and try again"? I was sure that things would be smooth sailing this time around. I was not going to be denied or admit failure. I WOULD have another baby here in my arms. And then bam. Nope sorry. Denied. Now I'm backed in to a corner. Admit failure and try to move on and accept my family as it is. Or try again. For once in my life failure is looking like the best option.


Regardless of how I failed them those babies are here with me in everything I do. They are in the subtle breeze carrying the bubbles the little one blows up to the sky, or in the suns rays that warm my skin while I watch my trio of little men playing in the yard.

I just wish I could wiggle out from this weight that's always on me. To laugh with out feeling hollow would be heavenly. To accomplish something with out spending hours working myself up for it, well that would be productive. I'm slacking on all fronts and I know I need to step up.
I'll get there.

Someday.

Mmmm Mmmmm good......

I LOVE to bake. There's just something about creating a delicious little dish that tickles every ones fancy and leaves them feeling satisfied. My dear friend Heather has inspired me to start making my own bread. I've been doing this for a few months now and I won't be going back to store bought any time soon. It's much more economical and I can sneak all kinds of healthy things into it and and my kids still eat it.

Since the home made bread was such a success I've been motivated to try making more things from scratch. This past weekend I tried granola. And boy oh boy - was it good! Hubs and I love granola but, lets face it, store bought granola is expensive! Sure the initial shopping trip seemed pricey, about twice the amount of a box of granola, but in the end it paid for it's self. I'm on my second batch and I still have enough supplies to make several more. And the cherry on top? My house smells heavenly right now!

Here's the recipe I'm using:

2 cups old-fashioned oats
1/2 cup wheat germ
2 Tbs. dark brown sugar
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup Extra Ingredients (I use sweetened flaked coconut, sliced almonds, raisins and chocolate chips)
1/4 cup maple syrup or honey
3 Tbs. vegetable or canola oil
1 Tb. water
1/2 Tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 275 degrees

Simmer Maple syrup or honey, oil, water and cinnamon over low heat.

Mix oats, wheat germ, brown sugar, salt and extras (leave out any dried fruit for now) in a large bowl.

Drizzle syrup mixture over the oats mixture and stir well coating the oats and extras.

Spread mixture on a 9x13 pan coated with cooking spray and create clumps by squeezing it a handful at a time.

Bake for 30 min. After 3o min stir in your dried fruit extras and bake for another 15 min. Remove from oven and let cool before adding any chocolate chips.

If you have any items that usually are store bought that you make from scratch please share!! I'm always looking from something new to try!

Answers Schmanswers....

We spend most of our lives looking for answers. It starts early on. We're groomed from an early age to seek out anwers. We're quized from the get go. Heck we spent ages tonight asking the little one all the things he knows the answers to. There's not whole a lot funnier than a two year old trying to snort like a pig. He had us all in stitches!

I can't tell you how many questions I get lately. Seems like the big one has a new question every second. "How does my throat know to swallow?" "Why do my eyes close?" and what seems to be his most favorite question "Mommy, are you still sad we aren't going to have a baby?"

We recieved some answers yesterday about our most recent loss. We found out that the sweet babe we loved from the second we knew about him was a boy. We also found out that sometimes when you think you want answers..... maybe you really don't. We found out our sweet boy had trisomy 22. After much reading on this today I've found out just how devestating it can be. And it scares the bejezzus outta me.

Seriously - I don't think I have what it takes to raise a disabled child. I just don't. And to know we were so close..... well. That just really makes me feel we were walking a thin line and that to try again...... we'd be totally pushing our luck. Who knows? Maybe once we meet with the specialists my tune might change. But thats a big maybe.

Two and Five!!!

It's hard to believe how quickly they've grown. It seems like yesterday they were born. I'd love to say I remember every little detail, but with 3 boys in as many years it's all just kind of a blur. Sure when I look through the pictures the details all come flooding back, but to just sit here - nah. It all just flows together.

The big one thinks he's an adult now. Just the other day I asked him the go check on Little and he response was "Can you do it please? I'm to busy being an adult." That caused a few chuckles. He amazes me everyday. Smart as a whip but very sensitive to others. Always trying to help where ever he can. What a great little man he is turning into. I'm growing more and more apprehensive about him growing up and heading off to school. I worry daily that he'll be picked on or won't make friends very quickly. He's a social little guy but he does worry about who does and does not like him. Normal I know, but it breaks my heart to see him worry about such things. I wish I could keep him safe forever in the little cocoon we call home.

Now The little one. He's a breed all his own. This kid has no fear and know's no boundaries. He's an obstenate little thing and that temper flares at a drop of a hat. Independent and flirtatious he can make pretty much anyone succomb to anything his little heart desires. All he has to do is bat those big blue eyes and flash that beautiful smile of his and we are all putty in his hands.

Oh how I love my boys. I wish I could stop the clock and keep them like this forever. I know they are safe and happy. And they know they are loved and cherished more than anything more in this world.

Back to square one

Sooo..... as you can see from yesterdays post we've gone through a pretty traumatic experience. I promise - not all my posts are going to be sad and gloomy. But I figure I might as well get the whole torrid tale out while I'm on a roll.

Hub's and I spent 5 months healing, growing and learning from the loss of our sweet girl. In April we decided to try again. I didn't tell him at the time that the reason I wanted to start trying then was because I desperately wanted to be pregnant again before Leahs due date rolled around in May. I just felt like I really needed something positive to hold on to when May 10th hit - and what more positive than a new life? So we did what we did and low and behold on April 29th we got a positive pregnancy tests!! It was weird. It was hard to be excited. I really didn't want to tell anyone. I had to really psych myself into it. We talked with our Dr and she said there was absolutley no reason we shouldn't have a perfectly healthy, normal pregnancy. So after a little more working myself up we gradually began to tell people. But - I couldn't say the words. It's dawned on me that I never actually said the words I was pregnant. I either posted it on a chat or hinted around and let the other people say it. I have two close friends whom I always called right away with my other pregnancies. I couldn't even say the words to them.

Anyway! I had my first appt at 7 weeks. All was normal. All my blood work came back fine and we scheduled my U/S for 9 weeks. We got there and all was great. They were actually waiting on my because I was the last appointment for the day. And then it happened. She put the wand on my belly. And there wasn't much of anything to see. I knew it immediatley. She flipped her screen around and asked me to confirm my dates. Which I did and said "You're not seeing it either are you?" And she said "No, but we'll have to page the Dr to come down." And once again. Those fateful words...... Can I get you anything.

So here I am. Back at square one. This recent loss has brought back all the pain and heartache that started 6 months ago. It's crazy because little did I realize that there were things I had blocked out from when we lost Leah. Even though she wasn't alive when I delivered her she was still warm and comforting. The other day while I was driving I was hit full force with something I had forgotten. We had held Leah so long that she had grown cold. I had put that out of my head because it's just not natural to hold your child and not feel the warmth from their body. I wish this memory had never surfaced because now I'm haunted by it.

And so now here we are. Mourning not one but two of our babies. Trying to put things back together and figure out this new normal for us.

I thank God each day for my three little miracle men. With out them I would have fallen apart long ago. But they give me a reason to smile, a reason to live and a reason to be grateful.... for the ones I have and the ones that are no longer with me.

The Loss.

O.K. I'm just gonna dive right in here. Forget beating around the bush and reeling you all in with my charming personality. I'm gonna get deep right off the bat.

When I created the blog my header had included "what more could a girl ask?" for at the end of it. I just couldn't leave it there because there is so much more that I want. This is in large the reason I decided to start a blog. I needed some where to write and share. Both the good and the bad.

Almost 7 months ago we endured an indescribable loss. We lost our sweet baby girl at 17 weeks gestation. Yes - I know that this is techinically called a miscarriage. But when I think miscarriage I don't think of one holding their precious babe in the hands.


I went in for a run of the mill apppointment at 16 weeks and 3 days and the doctor coudn't find the heart beat. She reassured me that all could be fine still and there were many reasons as to why we couldn't find it. So I scheduled my utrasound for the next day. What a grueling 24 hours thats was. The waiting was unbearable. One second I would convince myself that it could all be O.K. and the next I was beating myself up to just accept that our baby was gone.


So we went to our appointment and waited anxiously. The waiting room was full of other women with swollen bellies. They all looked so happy that I couldn't bare to meet anyones gaze. I couldn't help but wonder if they could see the black cloud hanging over me. When the ultra sound tech called me back I could see the wistful look on her face. She knew why we were there. As I lay down clutching hubs hand and she placed the wand on my baby bump we knew. There was no heart beat. We could see our perfect little babe and she was just so still. Yet the tech had to go get a doctor to confirm it. But she said those fateful words. "Can I get you anything? Is there anything you need?" The words reserved for times of heartache. Times of loss.


They gave me my OB's cell phone number and told us to call her when we were ready. Shortly after we got home I made that dreaded call. My OB wanted me to head directly to Labor and Delivery. She felt it was safest to induce me since I was so far along. I wasn't ready to do this yet. I wasn't willing to give my baby up just yet so I begged off to go in the next morning.



When we arrived at the hospital the next morning and sat down to register we were asked why we were there. I explained I was there to be induced. The registars eyes gleemed brightly with excitement as she congratulated us. I didn't have the energy to correct her. We made our way up to labor and delivery and checked in. Directly across from the nursey. Could they make this any harder? They took us to my room. The same room I had delivered my now almost 2 year old only a year prior. Apparently they could make it harder.


They kept our door shut at all times. Everyone who came in whispered. Hubs said there was a special Angel magnet on the door so everyone there would know what was going on. They started all the drugs and we waited. And waited. Finally at 5:00pm our sweet Leah Grace was born. It was amazing. And startling. And heartbreaking. To think at 17 weeks your baby was so perfectly formed. The slope of her shoulder was beautiful. You could see the wrinkles of her nuckles in those perfect little hands that were the size of my pinky nail. She nestled so perfect into one hand. It was maddening to hold my baby in my hand and not the crook of my arm. My arms ached to rock her. Hubs and I took turns holding her for hours until the pastor arrived to bless her. And then we had to tell the nurse we were ready. And we handed over our beautiful sweet daughter.

I was released bright and early the next morning. As they wheeled me out of my room there was the angel magnet hubs told me about. Never in my life did I want to cling to something yet destroy it at the same to so badly.

I think there should be a parade!!

Big and Middle spent the weekend at grammys house. The little one and I went to pick them up yesterday while hubs volunteered to stay home and clean the living room. All's fine and well, the house was straightened and dinner was made when we got back home.

Fast forward to tonight. We're sitting here watching T.V. and out of no where hubs says "I don't know if I told you but I cleaned under the chair." So I'm thinking there must be a chair somewhere that I've been avoiding in my cleaning. Yes - I'll admit it. I'm not the most thorough in my cleaning habits. But I didn't think it was that bad. So I casually ask him what chair, thinking it's some obscure chair burried in the basement. He responds with "The one your sitting on." He's referring to the only chair in the living room. The room he cleaned yesterday. This is also the chair that I flip over daily to vacuum under daily since it's a dust and crumb magnet.

The same chair I had flipped over and cleaned under about an hour before we left.

His pride in his work is admirable. But I've been giggling to myself eversince.

An introduction

Well, it's my first post. So I guess I should introduce myself eh? I'm Amy. I'm a 31 year old stay at home mom to three sweet little men. The big one will be 5 this friday. Hard to believe how time has flown one by. The middle one is 3 and a half. And the little one, well he's going to be 2 this Sunday. I've been married to a super guy for almost 6 years now. Sure we've had or ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. Just do me a favor, keep that between us. I like to keep him on his toes.



This blog is really just an outlet for me, so I hope you don't expect great things from me.